My Approach
Much as I love to talk, I’ve never liked the phrase, “talk therapy.” Talk is just talk. And talk in therapy can go on a very long time without creating any real emotional change.
Talking, thinking, reasoning, persuading – even moments of insight – are all wonderful things, but they don’t heal emotional pain. Emotional pain is an experience, arising from painful “lived experience” … what touches this is new experience. A new experience of yourself, as you feel.
We all have feelings that we would do absolutely anything to avoid. And we come by this honestly.
As I’ve written on my Depression and Anxiety pages, humans have a handful of biologically-marked core emotions: Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Surprise, Fear, Anger. These feelings make us tick, they orient us, they organize our whole experience of the world and of one another. And when we come into the world, we have access to them all. Think of an exuberant, curious toddler. And a cranky, wailing toddler. And a sweet, hands-outstretched toddler. And a sad, snuffling toddler. They're all the same toddler. Sometimes all within the same hour.
As we grow, we find that the world does not, and cannot welcome these emotions as they arise in us. We learn that some of our feelings are not okay with the people who care for us, the people who are our everything. When it’s clearly out of line to express these feelings, it’s distressing even to feel them – as we’re suddenly all alone with them. So we learn to squelch or divert them. We squelch them to preserve our connection to safety and care, to stay in line.
This is a necessary, but lonely thing to do. It disconnects us from ourselves. And it takes a lot of energy. As we mature, live our lives, and become more sophisticated, we may find new things to squelch and divert, and develop really ingenious ways of doing so. We develop defenses.
As a result of this process, we may panic when rightfully sad, cry when rightfully angry, become depressed when rightfully afraid.
The work of therapy is to reconnect you with your long-lost feelings. We repair in relating, because this is how the disconnects got there to begin with. We do talk and listen, but we privilege emotion and emotional truth – beginning with the vital little glints of core feeling that might accompany what you say. The wonderful and strange thing – the experience of feeling these disowned feelings is very different from what you might imagine at the outset. These feelings feel good, not bad, are good, not bad. This is because they feel true. Connecting to what’s emotionally true can be calming, vitalizing, and energizing. And when you begin to inhabit yourself in this new way, you feel an “ok-ness in yourself” that's yours to keep.
Your First Session.
My approach to therapy is tailored to you: you set the pace, I guide, and we find our direction together. We all have a comfort zone, and you’ll notice I’m very respectful of yours. Our ultimate goal is to understand that comfort zone, and – gently – to expand it in the direction of health.
Our very first task is to understand what it is that’s brought you to seek help right now, and what inner change you are hoping for in treatment. You may know what you don’t want to be feeling – anxious, at odds with your partner, or depressed – but what is it that you do want to feel that you can’t feel now? Think about that you can’t even think about now? Do that you just can’t do now? As lousy as you may be feeling at the outset, it’s helpful to find a clear focus rooted in your core values – the things that make you, you, the things the un-anxious, un-depressed, un-distressed you loves to do. In finding our focus, we may touch on the core feelings you’d like to reach for again: joy, curiosity, sexuality, healthy sorrow for what is sad, appetite for food, anger when you rightfully should be angry. Ultimately, action and life-change arise naturally from reconnection with these vital feelings.
I’ll invite you to tell your story – your sense of how you got here. You’ll notice that I gently check in with you every now and then, and adjust my course to make sure the pace and direction feel right to you. You might call this relational mindfulness. As you relate your story to me, and I relate to you, I’ll be watching carefully for vital little glints of core feeling – these may show up in a twitch of the eyebrow, a little fisting of your hand, your tone of voice, the hint of a frown or smile. You may not be aware of them – but the body can’t quite help expressing them, and they are little markers for the path back to your lost feelings, and your vitality. I’ll ask permission to note these to you, and ask about them. If you’re ok with this, we’ll touch into them. Experiencing these cut-off feelings, processing them together, and seeing what they have to tell you, is the beginning of real healing.
At the end of each session, I’ll be interested in your experience of the hour: What struck you – whether positive, negative, or “meh” … What felt right on target? What if anything felt “off” or uncomfortable? This is a collaboration – and your feedback is key to our success.
We work without fast forwarding past the hard parts, but without losing precious time.
Questions?
Yes: is there a name for your approach? Your model?
Yes: my model for the individual work I’ve just described is Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (or AEDP). A rather long name, I’ll acknowledge! My model for couples and family therapy is Emotionally Focused Therapy (or EFT). Both models are grounded in the emerging science of emotion and relationship.